They told me the guilt would set in. It did.
I am in the midst of having finished Lindsay Gibson’s powerful book on emotionally immature adults. I realised that even I have adopted some of my parents’ behaviours and need to change. The uncomfortable part of me is that I am nervous about putting forward my needs. As though I don’t deserve it. Crazy, conditioned thinking. When did my needs become unimportant?
My mother messaged me, I replied a day later. My mother called me. I didn’t pick up. I didn’t want to talk. I wasn’t angry or punishing her. I was (I am) in the midst of redefining my new behaviour with her. I have been too available. The guilt, the passive aggressive comments. I need to learn to be more direct and yet kind. Not for her, but for me. I don’t need to be nasty in expressing my views. I replied later in the evening with an update. Likely oversharing. Again, this balance of what do I share, what do I say, what don’t I share and don’t I say. I don’t need my parents’ approval. I don’t need to share everything to the minute detail of what’s happening in my life for their approval. It’s growing to accept them for who they are and speaking my truth kindly for me and setting my boundaries.
I noticed that I felt like I was compromising evening family time when E comes home from nursery. E doesn’t want to talk on the phone. Forcing her to talk when she doesn’t want to isn’t the right thing to do. It doesn’t sit well with me. I need to express my needs. I also don’t like rushing with her being overtired, negotiating tooth brushing, who reads the bedtime story, interrupting our family dinner. It’s a work in progress. I set the boundary of not wanting to talk in the evening hours because of this. Also, expressing that I didn’t want to talk yesterday, as I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
